I’m in that phase where I keep denying
Myself of the truth like I can’t stop lying.
Ashamed to admit what really occurred
Pretending like I was drunk and it was all a blur.
Like I didn’t partake in all his games
Like it’s only him that you should blame.
I just can’t own up and face your reaction
So I’ll keep coming up with a new distraction.
It seems like life is slipping out of your reach
Like no matter how hard you try to grasp it
You feel yourself slipping away.
Like no matter how many times you push forward
You get thrown back to the ground.
You’re ready to let go.
Ready to give into the voice
Yelling at you
It’s not worth it.
Because after all, what do you have to live for?
The only person that truly knew you is gone.
Stripped away from you.
Gripped by the hands of death
Forever.
But when you feel ready to let go
Please know that I’m holding onto you.
And I’ll never let you go.
If you can’t stay strong for yourself
Please stay strong for me.
Please keep grasping onto the ledge for me.
Please don’t let go.
But if you do I’ll be there to catch you.
And I’ll keep hold of you when you feel yourself slipping.
I’ll be anything you need me to be.
Always.
You whispered into my ear a song of promise.
A song that strung together a web of lies.
A web of lies that ignited a fire neither of us were equipped to extinguish.
What gave you this feeling of entitlement?
This feeling that you could so easily fool me into believing your vacant words?
What gave you the drive to so passionately betray me?
The drive to destroy me?
Words are silly little things.
What are they really without real truth behind them?
Yet they dig so deep.
They cut so hard.
They writhe their way infinitely into your unforgiving memory.
I will never forget.
Despite my tireless effort to erase your faulty words
I will never be rid of them.
But you’re a silly little boy.
Who are you really without a thread to pull?
Without a string to wrap around your finger?
Didn’t you know I was stronger than that?
You thought you had me fooled
But in reality, I was the puppeteer all along.
haha well if I knew who this was I would certainly be able to do so!
Of course I remember you! But thank you so much Doreen, that means a lot :)
I was twelve years old, sitting in the back seat of my family’s charcoal Suburban watching the blur of green trees and blue sky fly by as if life was set on fast forward. I thought of how odd it was that although the trees were standing still, they seemed to be racing in reverse to some unknown finish line. My mother interrupted my thoughts as she climbed into the back seat with my two brothers and me. She nervously looked at us and said, “There is something I need to tell you.” Her voice was shaky, oddly pitched. Everyone seemed to hold their breath, waiting to hear the news. She sliced the silence and continued, “Mommy has been diagnosed with breast cancer.” My mind began to race and I felt like someone had just punched me in the gut. I looked out of my window, the trees and sky still moved as they did before, but I now felt trapped in the stillness of the car, unable to move with the outside world.
I still remember this day like it was yesterday. It has been vividly seared into my memories forever, engraved in a special place that I’ll never be rid of. Many of you know my mother is a survivor of breast cancer, but the impact that it had on my family and me was covered up with smiles and the distraction of my then two-year-old brother, Bob.
I will never forget coming home to my mother weeping at the kitchen table alone, terrified for her life. I will never forget her beautiful hair falling out in clumps each day. I will never forget how the chemotherapy attacked her, weakened her, and painfully stripped her of her present life. I will never forget how the cancer took a hold of her and tried to drag her down.
But I will also never forget how strong my mother was. How resilient she became. How beautiful she looked: bald, strong, and unwilling to give in for even a moment. I will never forget how she held on to who she was. I will never forget how determined she was to escape the steadfast grip of cancer, to live another day, and to defeat what had tried to kill her.
My mother is a survivor of breast cancer. Forced to decide between self-pity and resilience she chose the latter. Not once did she feel sorry for herself, not once did she give up. My mother truly is my hero. She is a beautiful, empowering woman whose resilience inspires me each and everyday to never for a second give into self-defeating thoughts, to truly live life to it’s fullest, and to realize that tomorrow may not always be there.
I’ve begun to drown in my regret.
Every time I try to come up for air
It drags me down lower
Grabbing my arm and pulling me back to that moment,
Bruising me further
And burning itself into my mind forever.
The second I begin to forget
It creeps back into my mind
Incessantly harassing me
Slapping me across the face as a harsh reminder
Of the night that I forgot whom I was.
I’ve tried to run away
But how far can you run
When the enemy is your own subconscious?
Regret falls from my eyes
Searing itself even further into my skin.
I was told to live and learn
But the learning never seemed to
Be worth the living.
Thank you so much! I just think it’s silly if I’ve been with a guy for over two years clearly that’s who I want to be with. He’s amazing to me so why change anything? Thank you for the support!
I strongly disagree but thanks for the opinion!
